"that shit cray"
there’s a new front in the drug war: the female scalp. two brilliant women stashed nearly 2 kilos of yayo beneath their weaves and hairpieces in an attempt to smuggle the blow through kennedy airport. unfortunately, they couldn’t keep a lid on it and officials’ suspicion was piqued when the pair started wigging out (pun intended) as the plane arrived at jfk airport, thus violating the number one rule of smuggling things into places: be cool.
each woman had about a kilo of blow on top of her scalp, encased in form-fitting plastic packages and camouflaged by the artificial hair (weave). when the women were patted down for potential contraband, officers felt bulges on their heads. the women were taken to the airport’s medical facility, where health workers removed their weaves and found the blow.
this can’t be the first time this has happened.. drug smuggling is like internet porn: if you can dream it, chances are someone has already done it. someone, somewhere (probably several someones in several somewheres) has been stashing baggies of blow in elaborate hairstyles and flown to and fro with them, and no one was the wiser.
so there you have it chicas: the next time you’re going to a rave or a concert and need to smuggle some goodies through the door, just shove the goodgoods in your hair and you’ll be rolling your face off/high as a kite before someone even gets the chance to say “i love your sockbun”.. you’re welcome.
a bee-‘high’ve: one of the wigs used to smuggle blow into jfk airport
dear reese witherspoon,
i love you. i have loved you ever since you gave hope to me and every other dumb
betch blonde in the world by conquering the role of elle woods and consequently proving that blondes can not only have more fun but can also be super smart. that being said, i’m really, really, really disappointed in the name you chose for your new baby…
on thursday, september 27, reese witherspoon gave birth to a baby boy, tennessee james toth. tennessee is reese’s third child. wait, isn’t tennessee a state? like, tennessee is a state, not a child. but now it’s a child, too. da fuck?! why would anyone in their right mind name a kid “tennessee”?? i understand that reese grew up in nashville and is probably homesick because tennessee is a fantastic fucking state (i lived in nashville, i would know).. but like, no. maybe nickname your lil boy tennessee if you absolutely must but don’t name the kid tennessee. tennessee is a state and should remain as such.
i’m like reeeeally disappointed in your reese. why didn’t you call me? i could’ve helped you come up with some really cool, funky, southern, tennessee-inspired names. just imagine your christmas card this year: “merry christmas! love jim, reese, ava, deacon, and tennessee!” no. just no.
the real megnolia
rebel wilson is the most haaaa-larious australian i have ever met. and by met i mean watched on tv (whatever). she’s mildly funny looking but more lol-worthy are the things that come out of her large mouth. to put it bluntly, she’s a big betch. and i personally think her grand size adds to her hilarity. unfortunately, the self-proclaimed “fugly duckling” has joined jenny craig and has already lost 33 pounds. when discussing her weightloss in one of her video blogs on jenny craig australia’s website, rebel says she is now “really excellent” at the limbo and is finally capable of chasing channing tatum:
"if i had to run e.g. like in an emergency situation, if i was lighting my own fireworks or channing tatum is at the end of the street and i just had to run, like pissbolt, i could do that now. and if i was in a plane crash and everyone was like ‘who are we going to eat?’ they would be less likely to eat me."
rebel’s clearly excited about her weightloss. as for me, i’m pretty nervous about it. it’s a lot harder for skinny people to be funny. will farrell, for example, is known for keeping some extra meat on his bones because he firmly believes fat = funny. other fat fuckers that made me pee my pants loling include chris farley, john candy, melissa mccarthy, ralphie may, and john belushi. i’m not kidding, fat is funny. and i really hope rebel’s increasingly successful weightloss doesn’t result in increasingly horrible jokes.
and the award for cutest 2-year-old ever goes to kendra wilkinson’s son, hank basket iv! those curls are to die for!! let’s just hope he doesn’t get stuck with big hanks bigbigbig shnozz.. woof! is it me or does he appear to be an unusually tall/big 2-year-old?
hank’s adorable appearance supports my theory that mulattos (people who are bi-racial aka 1/2 black, 1/2 white) are significantly hotter than everyone else in the world. celeb mulattos include mariah carey, derek jeter, vanessa williams, blake griffin, alicia keys, and my favorite mulatto man, michael ealy. yum!
incase you needed a reminder of how lame your life is and how fabulous blake lively’s life is, here’s a delicious pic of the goddess and karl lagerfeld.
ps, she’s also married to ryan reynolds.
..what have you done with your life?
congratulations to lana del rey for being named “woman of the year” by GQ uk. it seems as though everyone overseas loves lana (she’s on the cover of vogue australia and the cover of british GQ) while america can’t seem to forget her “youre a dumbetch who cant sing live and should consequently go overdose on xanax because you clearly have stage fright” moment on snl from a couple months ago…
i for one love lana and can’t get enough of her music. and i was christmas morning-excited to find out she will be re-releasing her album “born to die” as “born to die - the paradise edition” on november 13. “the paradise edition”, which is available for pre-order now, features eight new tracks with titles like “american”, “yayo”, and “body electric”. and one song that im particularly excited about is “cola” which features the lyrics “my pussy tastes like pepsi cola/my eyes are wide like cherry pie”. fuck yeah, lana, fuck yeah.
unfortunately, this may be the last we hear from lana for quite some time: she’s decided to leave singing and begin a career as a screenwriter. she recently told vogue australia:
"hopefully i will branch into film work and stay there. that will be my happy place. i’d like to stay in [film] for a long time."
well that fucking sucks. it makes sense though since her music videos are like mini-movies anyway (a$ap rocky as jfk = brilliant!). but i don’t know, i just feel like she appears to be really, really dumb.. like so dumb that i’m not sure whether she can write complete sentences let alone compose an entire script from start to finish.. but apparently she’s already started writing a top-secret script.. until that blockbuster movie comes out, lana fans who want more music (post-paradise, of course) are kinda outta luck.
i still think taylor swift’s a pussy. but popular demand and the integrity of my blog require me to release this post:
taylor swift’s new single “begin again” was just released. maybe she took my advice and is beginning a new life full of sex, drugs, and alcohol? doubts it.
the song is about a man (not to be confused with the boy she’s currently dating, refer to “taylor swift: too much of a pussy to use her pussy”) who she thought was a gentleman but tuned out to be just another heartbreaker (cry me a fucking river, taylor). my money’s on either jake gyllenhaal or john mayer. how she scored two of the sexiest men alive is beside me. the fact that a human tree limb and notoriously crazy ex-girlfriend like taylor swift can date both jake gyllenhaal and john mayer gives me hope that i might not end up being a single cat lady.
anyway, listen to the song if you want..
and remember: rihannas new single “diamonds” comes out tomorrow!!!!!! now that is going to be a fantastic fucking song!!!!!
rihanna wasn’t kidding when she said she ran out of fucks to give…
today americas favorite good girl gone bad released the cover of her new single which features her rolling a blunt stuffed with diamonds. the new single, appropriately titled “diamonds”, will be released to radio stations worldwide at 8am on september 26. i cant fucking wait!!!
rihannas new cd is set for release in november and she launched a teaser website dedicated to it. this will be rihannas 7th album and there’s talk that she’s going to
copy beyonce’s 4 incorporate the number 7 into it’s title.
have i mentioned how much i worship rihanna? only she can pull off hideous tribal tattoos and a witch-like manicure skillfully shaped to optimize nail bumps when she doesn’t have time to do
lines mounds of blow off of her bodyguard’s bald head (i’ll save that pic for a different post..). i don’t even care that she chopped off her gorgeous curls and is practically bald..
show me someone who doesn’t love rihanna and i’ll show you a liar.
when commenting on his relationship with hova, obama mentioned that they have a lot in common:
"we both have daughters and our wives are more popular than we are"
…aaaand that’s where your similarities end. good try though mr. prez! just admit it, you wish you were jay-z.. i mean, don’t we all?